The closer it gets to the holidays and the whole holiday season best-time-of-the-year nonsense, the more I dread any sort of outing that involves me having to go to a store that isn't a gas station. I'm not a people-person at the best of times, and being crammed into the crowded, noisy, INSANE sardine can that is a retail store at this time of year makes me want to either throw up or punch someone. I haven't decided.
I hate shopping to begin with. Even grocery shopping irritates me. I just want to get in, get what I need, and then get the hell out without having to talk to anyone. Don't interrupt me, don't get in my way, and while we're at it, just don't even look at me, okay? I get annoyed at people that block the aisles, carts parked sideways, taking up ALL the space while they debate over which can of beans they'd prefer. I get annoyed at people that back up without looking where they're going. I get annoyed at people that stand right in front of the ONE thing I need down an aisle and then give me dirty looks when I say "excuse me" and then proceed to reach around them to get it. If you don't like it then get your shit and move on! I hate having to leave an aisle and then come back because someone is spending ten minutes parked in front of the peanut butter and I can't get to what I need.
I swear if people drove the same way they pushed their shopping carts there would be nothing but accidents on the road 24/7. My mom and I always joke that we're going to buy our own personal carts and then deck them out with air horns and cow catchers reserved for the for the people that cut you off and then refuse to walk faster than a snail's pace. I may have to start accidentally-on-purpose running into the backs of people's ankles to get them to move. It's even worse when I shop where I work because the aisle are sort of small and sometimes it can be hard to navigate between the people and the multiple displays that clog up all the open spaces. If you can't fit more than 1 shopping cart through an aisle, there's a problem. I hate in-aisle displays that take up valuable floor space, it's like an obstacle course to get down the damn baking aisle now. I just want my box of brownie mix, stop making it so difficult for me to get my chocolate!
I feel so sorry for the people that only have time to shop on the weekends. I don't know how you guys deal with the Saturday crowd of middle-aged women at Meijer. You know who I'm talking about, the frosted blondes with their soccer-mom haircuts and their ironed, bedazzled jean jackets that give you the stink eye if you accidentally get in their way in front of the kale. Some of them don't even seem to realize there's other people in the store as they stomp their way at full speed (in heels. no less, because why not wear heels to the damn grocery store) past the canned goods. They'll just bowl you over without looking up from their phones if you don't duck and cover and use your shopping cart as a shield.
If you're like me, and you view the grocery store like a battlefield, I wish you only the best of luck this coming holiday season. May the odds (and sales) be ever in your favor.
Sincerely,
Smart Girl.
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