Smart shopping has nothing to do with coupons

The closer it gets to the holidays and the whole holiday season best-time-of-the-year nonsense, the more I dread any sort of outing that involves me having to go to a store that isn't a gas station. I'm not a people-person at the best of times, and being crammed into the crowded, noisy, INSANE sardine can that is a retail store at this time of year makes me want to either throw up or punch someone. I haven't decided.

I hate shopping to begin with. Even grocery shopping irritates me. I just want to get in, get what I need, and then get the hell out without having to talk to anyone. Don't interrupt me, don't get in my way, and while we're at it, just don't even look at me, okay? I get annoyed at people that block the aisles, carts parked sideways, taking up ALL the space while they debate over which can of beans they'd prefer. I get annoyed at people that back up without looking where they're going. I get annoyed at people that stand right in front of the ONE thing I need down an aisle and then give me dirty looks when I say "excuse me" and then proceed to reach around them to get it. If you don't like it then get your shit and move on! I hate having to leave an aisle and then come back because someone is spending ten minutes parked in front of the peanut butter and I can't get to what I need.

I swear if people drove the same way they pushed their shopping carts there would be nothing but accidents on the road 24/7. My mom and I always joke that we're going to buy our own personal carts and then deck them out with air horns and cow catchers reserved for the for the people that cut you off and then refuse to walk faster than a snail's pace. I may have to start accidentally-on-purpose running into the backs of people's ankles to get them to move. It's even worse when I shop where I work because the aisle are sort of small and sometimes it can be hard to navigate between the people and the multiple displays that clog up all the open spaces. If you can't fit more than 1 shopping cart through an aisle, there's a problem. I hate in-aisle displays that take up valuable floor space, it's like an obstacle course to get down the damn baking aisle now. I just want my box of brownie mix, stop making it so difficult for me to get my chocolate!

I feel so sorry for the people that only have time to shop on the weekends. I don't know how you guys deal with the Saturday crowd of middle-aged women at Meijer. You know who I'm talking about, the frosted blondes with their soccer-mom haircuts and their ironed, bedazzled jean jackets that give you the stink eye if you accidentally get in their way in front of the kale. Some of them don't even seem to realize there's other people in the store as they stomp their way at full speed (in heels. no less, because why not wear heels to the damn grocery store) past the canned goods. They'll just bowl you over without looking up from their phones if you don't duck and cover and use your shopping cart as a shield.

If you're like me, and you view the grocery store like a battlefield, I wish you only the best of luck this coming holiday season. May the odds (and sales) be ever in your favor.

Sincerely,
Smart Girl.

What Exactly Are We Celebrating At 11:30 P.M. On A Tuesday?

It's finally here.

The season I've been dreading since it ended last fall...

It's FIREWORKS SEASON.

I don't really understand this town's obsession with fireworks. I swear they have them for every single stupid holiday. Since when did Memorial Day need fireworks? When did we stop doing them just on July 4th? Did I miss a memo somewhere?

I have nothing against the giant, fancy, professional fireworks displays. They're great, everybody loves them. No, what annoys the ever-loving crap out of me is my neighbors, celebrating who-knows-what, in the middle of the day on a freaking WEDNESDAY, for crying out loud. Fireworks on a Friday would at least be somewhat more reasonable. What is there to celebrate about a Wednesday?

And the fireworks going off at all hours of the night...sweat heaven, GO TO BED! IT'S MIDNIGHT YOU FOOLS! I'm absolutely the neighbor that calls in and reports the noise after 10 p.m. It's called a noise ordinance, as in we have one, and I swear if you wake me up with your stupid firecrackers one more time I'm gonna come down there and shove them up your nose. You don't need full dark for firecrackers, of all things.

I'm also kind of waiting for the day someone gets run over because people tend to think the middle of the street, in total darkness, is a GREAT place for fireworks. I understand the need for pavement, so you don't set the lawn on fire, but is the middle of the street really the BEST place for that, especially considering the way people drive around here? I vote no, but what do I know?

It's  not like I'm a Smart Girl or anything...

Sometimes I can actually FEEL the stupid wafting off of people.

I don't claim to be a genius. I have absolutely no idea what my IQ is, but at the very least I feel like I'm pretty average brains-wise. That being said, I have a really, really hard time understanding how some people can be so fucking STUPID without noticing they have an intellect the size of an atom. How do you go through life being that dumb and still manage to walk and breathe at the same time? I just don't get it...

Our backyard butts up against the parking lot for the apartment building behind our house. Not usually anything worth writing about because it's a parking lot...nothing abnormal or exciting. Earlier this week though someone dumped a mattress AND boxspring over our back fence, like we wouldn't notice it in broad daylight. It happened at some point between times when I went outside with our dog. Pretty much the worst surprise ever--hey look, somebody's scuzzy, filthy mattress! Yay!!!! (Said no one EVER).

See, look at that hot mess. MY YARD IS NOT A GARBAGE DUMP!

How do you not feel the tiniest bit guilty about doing that? I drop anything on the ground without feeling bad. How exactly does a person take care of a mattress anyway? My roommate solved the issue by shoving it back over the fence. Not my mattress, not in my yard, not my problem.

Stupid people are the reason I loathe grocery shopping too. I just want to get in, get my shit, and get the hell out before I'm tempted to ram somebody with my cart. How complicated is it to NOT stand with your cart in the middle of the aisle and block the way while you debate for five minutes over which kind of beans you want? Pick one and move on! Or the people that cannot read how many items the limit is in the express line? It says "12". 12 does NOT mean 35, it doesn't mean 20. TWELVE. Just because the cashier won't say anything (speaking from experience here; I worked at Meijer for 2 and a half years and we were NOT allowed to tell the lady with the heaping cartful of groceries she couldn't use the express lane) doesn't make it okay. It's an EXPRESS lane for a reason.

And the self-checkouts! Sweet mother of pearl, WHY is it so hard for people to scan their own groceries? You don't have to take a class, just scan the fucking barcode. I will make an exception for the items that have such a small barcode that the machines physically cannot read it, but aside from that, if your IQ is less than your age just go through a regular, manned, checkout lane. Nobody wants to stand behind you in line for 15 minutes while you spin your box of crackers around trying to find the barcode or while you hunt for the random produce item you apparently found in the bowels of hell itself that, OF COURSE, doesn't have a sticker on it with the code for you to type in...

Ugh. People wonder why I stay home so much? It's really a public service so I don't go on a rampage and murder all the retards I find. I swear I don't have anger issues, I have idiot issues, and this town seems to have a plethora of them.

So please. Next time you have an extra mattress, or the next time you go to the store, please use some common sense so the people around you don't have to imagine what it feels like to punch you in the throat.

Sensibly,

Smart Girl.